hey everyone,
another month has flown by, and we're already a quarter of the way through the year! can you believe it?
the scorching summer sun has replaced the winter winds here in my city, with temperatures reaching almost 40 degrees celsius. I just came back from an impromptu trip, and wow, do I miss the snow-capped mountains and clear, starry skies
writing this monthly reflection has become a kind of sanity ritual for me, a way to create and express myself instead of just consuming content. because let's be honest, sometimes consuming too much art, like anything else, can lead to diminishing returns.
so here I am, diving into something that's been a crucial part of my life for the past two decades: my inner world.
as a kid, I always felt like I was hiding in a metaphorical cardboard box, seeking shelter from the intensity of the world, or maybe even from myself. quiet, and hidden in the darkness.
Time's been talking to me
Whispering in my ear
Saying "Follow your heart
'Til it tears you apart""
through my teenage years, with raging hormones, that feeling morphed into anger. most of my young adulthood was spent trying to break free from that metaphorical box.
putting the vastness of my inner world into words has always felt like an impossible task. for decades, it's been like a constant storm raging inside, with no safe harbor in sight. words have been my companions on this journey, helping me find peace within myself.
while many mentors and guides have shown me the way to look inward, this journey of self-discovery has ultimately been mine to take. years and hundreds of notebooks filled with incoherent rants, rants without beginnings, middles, or ends, yet still filled with meaning.
last year, I was diagnosed with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (cptsd). for a long time, both my therapist and I consciously avoided labels. after all, we're all fluid beings, and labels can sometimes feel like just another metaphorical cardboard box to fit into.
we are meant to simply be.
however, labels do serve a purpose. they help organize and categorize information, creating a framework for navigating our lives within social structures. ironically, as someone who once vehemently embraced anarchy as a way of life, I've slowly learned to soften my edges and appreciate the functionality that helps us build the foundation of our lives.
in the context of cptsd, the label has helped me connect with my inner child, understand, observe, and accept the vastness of my own being and experiences.
cptsd survivors often experience four common responses: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. these are natural defense mechanisms our minds use to navigate danger. however, when a child experiences prolonged danger, these "f responses" become the brain's default mode.
the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for detecting danger, becomes like a broken traffic light. it can't differentiate between safe and unsafe situations, leaving you constantly on edge and primed for the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response.
living in constant survival mode is utterly exhausting. this was my reality for most of my teenage years and young adulthood, with occasional sprinkles of freeze and fawn.
"fawning" refers to the tendency to appease someone perceived as a threat to avoid harm.
essentially, you're always in survival mode, never truly at peace or able to just breathe.
i'm currently working on rewiring my neural circuits, learning to embrace safety and stability. it's incredibly difficult, and there are many days when i'm just limping by. but i'm learning, one day at a time.
k. bye.
thank you for reading.